Something is rotten in the state of Hotel Mulia

The Hotel Mulia is seriously fancy. It has gold plated everything and whenever I am in it I feel that at any minute someone might stop me, and hiss, 'Excuse me. Get out'. 

So for a treat, Julian and I decided to go for a couples massage in their spa. However, upon arrival, we were led upstairs, not to a spa but to a hotel room. This made us nervous that there had been mixed messages and we were about to be offered some plus plus. These fears were not assuaged when the therapist asked us to choose the oil, and kept hinting salaciously, 'INTIMACY???' while waving some putrid scent in my face. I responded 'NO NO. STRESS. I CHOOSE STRESS. NO TOUCHING!'.

We changed into our robes in the bathroom while mouthing silently at each other 'ZOMG WHAT IS HAPPENING SO MUCH REGRET ALREADY'. We braced ourselves and met our fate. 

My fate was, as always, to be required to stand there naked while the other person is fully clothed (and at least this time the other person was my husband, not my friend). I then lay down on the weird table where the hole for the head did not in anyway match the shape of my face. Then the massage began and it was once again brutal and my entire body seized with pain, while I had to suppress the sudden urge to burst out laughing.

I could hear Julian's therapist sniffing constantly, which was grim to hear, and even though I could not see or hear Julian I could feel his awkwardness and discomfort. He later told me that the therapist had a runny nose which she kept wiping on the towel that was covering his body. He said it was like being massaged by an inexperienced rhinoceros suffering sinusitis. 

My therapist had one long errant fingernail that would every now and then viciously scratch across my body. 

The room was freezing. 

And why were we in a hotel room? 

Why was any of this happening???

Sad, sniffing regret permeated the room. After the 'massages' were finished, the therapists sort of stood about, shamefaced and it was unclear about expected behaviour - were we to redress in front of them? Why were they milling? I turned around to put my robe on and suddenly my therapist vanished, never to be seen again, while Julian's, the sniffer, kept hinting at the need for a tip. Tip for what?

At least it was not like the time my friend's sister went to get one and the therapist started aggressively massaging her breasts saying 'You like this? NICE?'. Of course she felt like screaming but felt too polite and instead just murmured noncommittally and stared into the corner of the room, pretending none of it was happening. 

But still. The whole thing was wrong. And weird. But importantly, hilarious.